Blimey Charlie Jackson

I've been a busy bunny over the last errmmm month or so. My husband managed to injure himself during the icy conditions we experienced just before Christmas. So I have now suddenly acquired a full size baby, that needs hosing down at regular intervals. He is pretty incapable of doing anything for himself at the moment (strangely that reminds me of my father - my mother does everything bar wipe his arse.. and I'm not certain she doesn't do that). Luckily this should be a temporary thing, and he should be up and whingeing in about 3 to 6 months! Dear God that's too long, I feel like smothering him already. We were told he'd be incapacitated for several months, my response to this was, but I only have enough patience for two weeks! I don't think the consultant was amused....

Anyway, I have had a quiet time on the chat lines only able to put in a few hours a week, due to husband babysitting, and district nurse visits. We never knew what time one of the health care professionals would be visiting. I suspect it might not be appropriate if one walked in on me with vibrator turned up to 'hair raising', slapping my thigh with a wooden spoon, and yelling I'm a bad girl.

*Trade Secrets (don't read if you are a chat line user and want to maintain the magic)

Whilst the chat girls I know, myself included, all want to give our lovely boys a great time,we can't be (nor would we want to be) constantly playing with ourselves the whole time we're online, we'd be exhausted, and sore. In fact if I did it at all my husband would go ballistic, and consider it a form of adultery - and we're not into the whole swinging, or cuckold thing! So most of us girls employ sound effects and a good imagination to satisfy our customers. We undeniably sometimes get turned on by talking about sex for hours on end, but don't have the time or inclination to 'go with it'. However it is a job like many others, that requires a level of detachment and monitoring of your clients responses to what your saying (which you might not be able to do if you were thrashing about yourselves),to be able to give the best phone sex experience. So many of us ladies, whilst not usually sitting there in jim jams, curlers, a fag in one hand and control box in the other to pause Eastenders. We ARE often sitting there with a pot of squelchy stuff, something buzzy, a belt, something to make slapping noises and a jug of water to simulate pee... Although I have been very glad of a watersport call when bursting to go to the loo and am getting too many calls to be able to log out... needs must and both of us are satisfied.

Some of the girls are happy with getting straight into the filth, whilst others amongst us start off more subtly. These are the girls that are most likely to build up a 'stable' of regular nice callers who either just want a chat, or a chat and relatively straight forward 'loving' type 'sex'. I have to admit that I would miss several of my regular callers if I never spoke to them again. Some of the girls I speak to who also work as chat operators out of curiosity did a little poll to see if any of us had ever actually masturbated whilst talking to a caller. Yes it's that unusual/rare that we had to ask if any of us had EVER done it), and when we all got over the 'oh god shall I admit it, what if I'm the only one' fear, it turned out that everyone had 'done it' at least once, - but not as a regular thing, and so rarely as to be very out of the ordinary.

All I can say is you're in with a better chance of a girl really getting jiggy with you (on the phone of course) if you are expecting a 'normal' experience, rather than barking orders like push your dildo up your arse, and your fingers in your pussy. Engage with the operator, tell her what you want She's not a bloody mind reader. Describe yourself and what you'd like to be doing to her at that moment, or what you'd like her to be doing... Don't bash your wang against the phone, or squelch your foreskin up and down and get her to listen... it doesn't turn us on! we're different to men.. In some ways... It helps if you have a pleasant voice and are friendly..

Of course none of the above will mean the girl on the other end is deffo playing, but you never know, there's a better chance than if you shout 'frig yourself for me' down the phone.

We don't mind of course what you want (as long as it's legal) , or whether you are shy, or chatty etc., we are doing a job and appreciate we are giving a service and you are the most important thing, not us... In the context of our job. Personally I don't even care if you shout abuse at me, it goes over my head, and I still get paid, if you choose to throw your money at me that's your business. Verbal abuse dose happen. I have had a couple of abusive calls, but I'm quite a friendly soul, and can have a laugh. So I've mostly been lucky enough to be able to diffuse the situation, I've not had to hang up on an abusive caller yet. About six months ago I had had a group of Indian gentlemen ringing up to take the piss out of and wind up a chat girl. They were rude and trying to humiliate at first, but I joked with them, was polite and asked them questions, and we ended up having quite a nice (non sexual) chat. One of them still rings me regularly.

A short list of top hates of a chat operator

Callers who mumble or whisper, so that we can't hear/understand them. Speak up, or you won't get the best experience

Callers who try to give us,or get us to give personal phone numbers/details. It's not a dating agency, we're doing it for the money. You're not worth losing our jobs over

Callers who try and slip illegal things into a conversation. Like anything under age or incestuous. By far and away the most requested illegal act is incest with a family member(usually parent or sibling) YUCK, and at the risk of seeming rude FUCK OFF!!! YOU ARE SICK - and will be reported.

Callers that make slurping and licking noises (or similar) we understand that the guys seem to like that, but we tend not to.

Callers that want us to scream loudly (cum) for ages, and ages, without much input from themselves. In real life how many women do you know that will have screaming orgasm after orgasm, within seconds of starting sex, and have one after the other within minutes! It hurts our throats, and our neighbours/children/spouses/dogs would be none to happy either. Dont ask, it's stupid.

Pet hates about other operators

Girls who don't care about the service they give and are sloppy and unprofessional. They themselves lose out in the end as they will only get short calls and earn less. However they give us all a bad name in the meantime, and could put potential regular customers off ringing any of the other girls with that company.

Girls who pick up the phone all breathy and start sex talk straight away

Girls who are too stupid to just talk to the caller, and seem to work from a script, not listening to what the guy wants. You give us all a bad name.

Girls who are rude about our boys (and sometimes female callers too) as a matter of course. I know I've made a list of pet hates, but it doesn't mean I don't enjoy talking to the majority of the chaps, and every job has minor irksomenesses.

Girls who fall asleep on callers... It happens...

Girls who go into the operator thing thinking it's easy and all they have to do is oo and ahh

Girls who do it just for a few weeks before Christmas, nicking the callers from girls who do it all year long just when they really need the money. Our boys can be fickle, and if they hear new voices they are going to try them out. Nothing wrong with that I know, and they usually come back to their favourites, it's just the timing sucks.

End of moany list.


Update on the rat situation. I am now the proud owner of a three story, (with a fourth 'mezanine' floor, rat palace, which I am still trying to coax Neville into. She is still alive and kicking, and I have noticed that she has distinct dietry preferences. She loves brocolli and chicken, oh and ritz biscuits, but not keen on the traditional rodent weakness of peanut butter and chocolate. She is obviously a health conscious rat.

Anyway. A very belated Happy New Year. I'm off to bed now early start in the morning. Hopefully I will have other things to talk about than sex chat and rats next time. :)

Christmas is coming and I am getting fat please put a penny in the old sluts hat. (save me from N.H.S dentistry)

I have had a ball on the chat line over the past two weeks, the naughty boys seem to be coming out of the wood work in preparation for Christmas, however it does mean that I have been sat on my backside for much of the day (and night) and it's not doing my figure any good at all! I'll be plumper than the turkey if I'm not careful.

I have had some interesting calls since I last posted, delightfully polite older gentleman wanted me to 'be' a tour guide and show a party of guests (him included)around a stately home ending with the gruesome fully functional dungeon. However what he really wanted was for an entertaining demonstration of the torture devices, with a willing volunteer to get utterly out of hand. The gorgeous tour guide getting more and more carried away whilst other party members watched (and got excited of course), I introduced the concept of the 'pear' which seemed to get him quite breathless.
(The pear was a device that expanded after being inserted orally, anally, or vaginally. It was used to rupture the sensitive membranes and tissues of these areas. With much of the damage being inside the body cavity, "confessions" thus extracted could seem to be freely given. http://www.francesfarmersrevenge.com/stuff/archive/torture/devices.htm )

It all ended with a crowd gathered around him forcing him to lick pussy and cock etc., I had one of the matronly ladies 'scoring' and 'peeling' his balls with a sharp knife, and cutting them off just as he came, of course I simultaneously cut off his cock at the base whilst he came inside me. We finished him off by stuffing his genitals down his throat to suffocate him. He particularly liked the part where I had him stuffed and displayed as an 'exhibit' in the dungeon and no one would know he was 'real'.... Jesus writing that didn't make me want to scream and run away at all... That is very worrying!

Most of my callers have been just sexy horny men wanting assistance and a bit of fun while they blow their spuds. I have had several callers who just wanted a bit of company late at night, or a cheering chat during the day, covering anything from singers like Amanda Marshall, to golf and Homers' Odyssey. I suspect I am suffering from spunk overload at the moment though, as I just cant seem to bear to log on for more than an hour at a time, I'm sure it will pass shortly and I'll be back to the greedy cum guzzler that my online girl is :-)

I have asked this question on several sites during the last few weeks and received no explanation... Why do NHS patients always get a 'trainee' dentist? (forgive me if that's not the correct title) I have been truly phobic about dentistry since I was very young, sweating, shaking, vomiting putting up with extreme toothache before nervously attending a surgery, most people dislike visiting the dentist, but I literally would almost have preferred to die than go. I have very nice teeth, well spaced neither too big or small for my face, and partly because of my phobia (I don't want unnecessary dentist visits) I care for them as if they were the most precious thing I own. They are properly brushed, flossed, interdented, mouthwashed, and not bathed in acidic or sugary drinks and foods etc,. However I must have the weakest teeth possible, I suspect they are made of cheese as even when attending regularly I always have to have work done.

I have asked my g.p. if there were practices that specialised in phobic patients, she couldn't even make a guess! I have tried N.H.S direct who could only help with booking emergency dentists and had no helpful suggestions for the phobic. I have tried sourcing one myself but they are all private and I simply cannot afford that at the moment, if I could I would in a heartbeat, as being phobic is no joke and would be worth the penury if someone could help, but it's absolutely not a financially viable option. I attended one emergency dentist only to witness a sobbing vomiting bleeding woman run out of the treatment room just before my turn!!! I ran, shaking and sobbing, my husband bless him coaxed me to go back in, but the idiot dentist tried to pull an infected tooth (infection causes the anaesthetic not to work properly) that was not properly numb, I persuaded the dentist to give me anti-biotics before trying again. I never went back and it was six months before I found a new practice opening up near me, by then I was having severe toothache in several teeth (one tooth simply crumbled, another lost a filling and the others just hate me). So, I decided to try my hypnotherapy skills on myself. I wrote out a 'script' as if it were for a client, and got my husband to 'read' it for me (after some instruction) it is not as good as having another hypnotherapist read it or treat you, but it was the best I could do. It got me through the surgery door, and calmed my nerves enough to get through several rounds of treatment, I used the script before each appointment for the first few. The dentist was wonderful, a female trainee, gentle as a butterfly, learning but skilled and had a very good 'bedside manner' it got to the point when I was able to use self hypnosis without going through a full hypnotic session, and even almost forget I was ever phobic rather than just nervous.

However as the dentist was a 'trainee' she has now been moved on, and I still have an extraction, a root removal and a crown to finish... her replacement while a perfectly nice person appears to be thus far to be a dreadful dentist, nervous, confidence wrecking, with a poor 'bedside manner' I have not had a painless consultation with her yet. I understand the need for in practice training how else can anyone become experienced, but why can we not see the experienced dentist on some of our visits, and why is it exclusively N.H.S. patients that see the trainee, someone different almost every time we attend, so that no rapport or understanding is built up between dentist and patient. I think this is especially pertinent if one has a phobia or illness that needs special consideration. N.H.S. dental patients are already treated with substandard, old and out of date equipment (I know this as despite my phobia I worked some time ago as a dental nurse/receptionist for a short time,so recognise when the equipment is from the stone age, I guess the phobia only kicks in when I'm in the chair). Is it legal to subject N.H.S. patients only to student dentists? is it not an unethically sound way to work? does it not violate any human rights to equal treatment?... seriously I want to know!

Ok rant over, normal service will be resumed shortly.

Spunkometer, toothache, and dentists

Today I am mostly in pain. I have teeth that although pampered and cared for better than a royal corgi, appear to be made of cheese and have no strength whatsoever, they look good, well spaced well shaped, reasonably white, but develop cavities and toothache at an alarming rate. I have been keeping my dentist fully employed for the last two years. I had the final root canal and tooth rebuild of a course of treatment about a month ago, unfortunately I was treated by a very nervous new trainee dentist, (as we nhs patients are only good for practice)she was very nice but took forever to complete the process with much help from the 'proper' dentist (who only deigns to treat fully paying customers), a week later the newly rebuilt tooth caused three quarters of a bucal filling in its lower jaw opposite number to pop out - as her rebuild was not quite the right shape and a little too large - so now I need a replacement filling, and quite possibly another root canal, as I can't believe there would be this much pain from part of the filling popping out... Grrrr, I am pretty phobic about the dentist and can well do without any extra trips.

Doped up to the gills with Ibuprofen when I log on this morning, my first call is someone wanting to give me their number so they can talk to me in private!! I politely tell him sorry I can't do that, "go on darling get a pen I like you" he says. Ok I say and cut him off as he reaches the 079.. mark, for gods sake what is wrong with some of these men, women don't do this job because they are cock hungry whores, they do it because they can't get out to do a more conventional job and don't want to rely on social service handouts, or are struggling to get out of debt or just trying keep their heads above water, they are mothers, wives, daughters, sometimes have disabilities which prevents them from getting a conventional job, we are actresses of a sort, we enjoy being able to work while giving a good service, we don't want to meet strangers and be their sex slave, if a woman wants casual sex there is no shortage of men to chose from, we would not resort to 'doing' someone we come across in this way! Anyway, rant over.... my next few calls were from nice men who all seemed to be particularly "full of spunk" today, one tells me he hasn't come for a week and has a huge load for me.. I tell him how heavy his balls are in my hand, and how they must be fizzing and aching to unload their hot creamy contents all over my full tits and how I'm going to lick his jizz from my own nipples,... he seems to be enjoying the scenario and when he comes he tells me what a big load it is, I'm very impressed of course he is so pleased to be added to my (imaginary) spunkometer that he stays for another ten minutes while he gets hard again and wanks into my glass tube adding nicely to my ml count for the week :-). I log off an hour later, clutching my jaw and cursing the invention of teeth, why can't we just have beaks!

Sunday lunch, phone pests, mice, overfed kids

I have noticed a growing trend amongst the gentlemen that ring the chat line, it has always been an aspect of the job but seems to be on the increase. Many of the callers want your private number or to give you theirs, often in the assumption that you are a truly horny bitch who is gagging for 24/7 fuck fests with them; these 'boys' I can handle, I mean ME pay (on my phone bill) to call THEM! 1. We are not allowed to exchange personal details, and will be terminated with extreme prejudice if we do. 2. I only do the job for the money, I'm a happily married mother, and not a nymphomaniac who will shag anyone who asks. 3. I don't look much like my online persona, the hair eyes and skin tone are the same, but online girl is a size 12 with pneumatic tits, (unless you are calling my large lady persona) I am not. My online persona will laugh at all your jokes and agree that Benny Hill is the funniest thing since ...well ever, I will and do not... Online girl loves stockings and high heels, I think they are tarty and they make the top of my thighs rub together until they resemble raw liver, you get the picture... these (usually young) men are easily rebuffed with a simple no sorry we are not allowed to do that, and if they continue to pester hang up (with polite prior warning). More difficult to rebuff (although it has to be done) are the men we have a rapport with, and who ring us back time after time, you kind of build a relationship with them, often they started ringing chat lines because they crave the intimacy of a womans voice, and the interaction between two people who get on, and were perhaps ambitious career orientated men who haven't had much time to form long term bonds,or divorced/widowed men who haven't wanted to dip their toes back in the dating pool yet, or have and been burned, or perhaps have health issues that makes it difficult to date. Although I am married and even if I was allowed wouldn't want meet these men it's harder to let them down, I don't like hurting their feelings or shattering the illusion that I truly care for them, and to be honest I do care for them but in a platonic 'I wish I could help them find what they need' sort of way. Some unscrupulous lines advertise as if the girls are unattached and looking to meet up, I was relieved to find when I first came across the problem that the company I work for makes it very clear that it is a paid chat service for entertainment. So if there are any guys out there who use the service and are tempted to try their luck in the hope of free phone sex or more, DON'T, we wont like you for it, and you're chasing a phantasm that doesn't exist.

Working on the chat line does have it's benefits sometimes (other than financial), at certain times of the month during hormonal surges it gets me hornier than a cat with 3 bollocks, you'd be made of stone for some of the things I hear not to turn you on. when I log off my vibrator, or hubby, depending on which comes to hand first gets a real pounding.

Neville the mouse is still happily ensconced behind some wood panelling in the lounge, and seems to have reached a temporary truce with the cats, I leave little treats out for her where the cats can't get at her (or the treats) and they are always gone in the morning. Unfortunately she also seems to like the taste of phone cable, and if I don't unplug and hide it before bed it will have been Nevilled by morning.

Sunday lunch has moved from around oneish, to threeish, as I usually log on for a few hours in the morning to catch my morning glory boys, they are often quick but there are plenty of them. I was lucky to get 3 nice long calls in amongst my grunt and click boys so a reasonable mornings work. A nice simple Sunday roast, chicken with lots of veg and all the trimmings, I couldn't work in the evening after that if I wanted to. The family are strewn around me bloated and sleepy, the scene is dotted with happy cats and the dog in a similar state of bloat, I sigh in contentment as I realise the buggers should leave me alone for a little while, whilst they digest.

Enemas, drugs, and pennies from heaven

I have acquired a new regular, he loves to talk about general anaesthetic. In a previous job I occasionally assisted with administering dental general anaesthetic and he is in hog heaven discussing this in depth with me, he particularly loves me to tell him that some people pee themselves during this process, (I have never actually had this happen). Enemas then become the topic of heated horny conversation, how he loves to use a pump to get a greater amount of warm water up a ladies arse and watch it spurt out of her carrying any contents of her bowel with it, he has from what I have told him, decided that I must have a very big rectum indeed, he could give me so much pleasure from filling my immense colon with litres of warm water, he tells me how women can have such wonderful orgasms through anal manipulation (so not the case - medically or otherwise), he is bless him, 'verging' on the weird. I grit my teeth think of Wales and consider the pennies from heaven building up.

Drugs are good (said in south parks cartmans voice)at least Ceterizine is, and other brands of anti-histamines, my eyeballs have resmebled draculas backside for about 3 days now, thanks to my lovely cats and dog, to which I am pretty allergic. My allergy eyedrops ran out a week ago, but my drugs seem to have taken up the slack so far, yay I don't feel I have half a haystack and a pound of grit embeded in my eyes, maybe, just maybe I'll get a good nights sleep tonight.

Sex, snoring, and mobile phones

As my new mobile is due to be delivered today, the Nokia N97 mini (I really wanted the palm pre but didn't want to change my provider) my lovely husband has offered to work from home, so that while I am logged on to the lines he can answer the door. However I have been working for an hour now and what I hear from the other room is door rattling, window cracking snoring (this is the main reason he often sleeps in the spare room and is ostracised by the bleary eyed children), not much work going on there me thinks, I've already had to politely ask one of my favourite callers, who loves me to breast feed him to excuse me for a moment, while I let one of the loudly wailing cats in - another thing which my husband was meant to keep an ear out for.

I can't wait for my new phone to come, but with it will come a day of irritation, swearing and threats to send the damn thing back whilst I try to navigate its mysteries without the aid of the instruction booklet. I just hope it is very intuitive to use. Of course what I really need from a mobile phone is something simple to use and pretty much indestructible, I once cooked a Motorola Razr with the Christmas turkey! surprisingly and much to Motorolas credit once the fat had congealed inside the phone,and after a week of it randomly ringing the furthest reaches of the world it started to work pretty much perfectly again, the only thing it refused to do was to send picture messages, and it had never been too keen on doing that anyway. So as you may have guessed the reason I prefer to have a contract is that I inevitably break the phone shortly before the year or 18 months is up (I could never have a 24 month contract, my phone would be defunct for half of it), I then have to resort to using a cheap alternative until I get my shiny new replacement so that my contract minutes do not go to waste.

At the moment I am using the Samsung E1100 in place of my beautiful Nokia N95 which a lot of people had trouble with but I loved. However the little candy bar samsung is a fabulous basic phone, not bulky, doesn't take pictures or surf the web, but for £5 (you had to take a virgin sim card and buy £10 worth of minutes too so technically it was £15 )it is easy and intuitive to use, texting is a breeze, and it's nice to have a phone that I am not constantly worried about dropping, cooking, loosing or drowning.

from hooters to norks, shibari and glistening iridescent pools of shimmering spunk

Logging on for two hours certainly knocked me off my soap box. Having been listening to hooters, I then found myself talking about hooters on my first call, in great depth, big ones, pointy ones, nipple tassled ones, and great big shibari bound lactating ones, all with the same very slightly obsessed gentleman. It was a good call lasting about fifty minutes, and gave me the opportunity to stretch my imagination and vocabulary (in the sphere of norks at least), as did my next caller who wanted very specific but mild parameters filled, involving me masturbating close up, and capturing his cum in my hand. He was a pleasure to tease and tantalise, and seemed to enjoy my *poetic* - his word - vivid descriptions of the act, bless him... I like calls like that.

Tea time completed - we don't call it dinner around here, dinner is lunch time - cats fed, dog walked, time to sit down with Yvette Fielding et al to try and figure out whether most haunted is staged or not (ok it seems improbable that it is not, but I find it kind of fun and entertaining), so it will probably not be long before I fall asleep soundly, as is traditional during Most Haunted live.